why I (don't) miss the midwest

Time to Re-inVENT Yourself.

That was the annual theme, but it would seem that many attendees of the annual Vent Haven Ventriloquy ConVENTion 2005 had already done a pretty good job of
this on their own.

With names that live somewhere between soft-core porn stars and drag queens,
the most ordinary little old ladies, car salesmen and the unfortunate children of ubernerds re-invent themselves annually as ghoulish caricatures made of wood and foam. Waco the Cowboy Weasel. Magnolia Peckerwood. Spankee Doodle. Chadwick McNutley. I could not make this shit up if I tried.

Vent Haven is the world’s only museum dedicated to the art of ventriloquism, and a delightful little sideshow nestled in a suburb of Fort Mitchell, Kentucky. It is home to an impressive collection of dummies and historical ventriloquy paraphernalia from around the world. Founded by Cincinnati native William Shakespeare Berger (again, not making this up), the museum is actually a residential home with three added structures that take up most of the yard. I could go into how disturbingly compelling it is to stare into a sea of dead eyes and lurid grins, but this you’ll really have to experience for yourself.

 Back to the convention. Those who know me know that I am totally  game for chatting up the odd oddball, but the Vent Haven Convention was an experience for which I arrived hopelessly psychologically unprepared. These folks have created a sophisticated social structure that doesn’t actually require talking to each other. If their puppets get along, all is right with the world. It took a good part of an hour to synchronize, to pick up the nuances of their interactions, to read between the lines of furry eyebrow trembles and awkward gestures. I felt like a chain-smoking Jane Goodall. Except more afraid.

The vendor rooms were a sight to behold. Puppet nerds talking to other puppet nerds about their puppet problems. Gay dummies flirting with other gay dummies. Animal dummies bonding cross-species. Religious dummies preaching to atheist dummies. This apparent unity gave me pause: if dummies ran the U.N., might the world be a happier place?

As a fellow nerd, I have to give respect. These kids have found each other. Kind of like marrying your Vulcan soulmate in the paper castle at RenFest.

I could go on, but words are truly insufficient.

The Vent Haven Convention 2007 will be held without fail, July 12-15, at the Drawbridge Inn in Ft. Mitchell, KY.